Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
(Gaming support cat.)
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner