*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?