Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it鈥檚 just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Son #1: Who鈥檚 your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn鈥檛 matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who鈥檚 your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I鈥檇 bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I just broke two of my dad鈥檚 old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Things that don鈥檛 exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
peak technology
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.