Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?