me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
lost dog
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
(more comics:
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not