In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”