Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work