Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood