I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
smh
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors