My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I put the h in mysterious.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.