Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
oh you wanna fight?!
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.