People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
That 👊
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
bears
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
nature’s most graceful animal
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.