I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348