“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.