Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
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Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”