*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
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7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Why I divorced her.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.