Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
can I use a minion as a tampon
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”