ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”