All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
You Might Also Like
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.