If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too