The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I cannot stop laughing at this
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
huge if true: the moon
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk