My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.