Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: