When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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I support this random dude and all his protests
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Who did it better?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
In space, no one can hear…
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks