How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
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Oh thanks BBC.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
A woman drives into a bar.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture