If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.