[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
No, I don’t think I will.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.