I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.