Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.