[montage of me giving-up]
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart