After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
look at me when i’m typing to you
それは草
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens