John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.