Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.