Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
🤣😈🤣
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
This is why I hate group projects
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
i now pronounce you bounced.