I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.