friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.