Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops