*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”