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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
This is my brand.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
This pepper has seen some shit
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
❤️🦆
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Did…did a minotaur write this
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive