When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no