Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.