I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
i want the dreams to chase me for once
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls