Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
man i love columbo
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.