Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…