Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous