A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense