I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
There are no pants in heaven.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I might carry a baby with one hand.