Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.