Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.