I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle